Metal City - Hai Ina Ia Mai Ana Ka Puana

Christmas is a pile of fucking bullshit.

The noxious stench of the twin evils of modern life - consumerism and religion - are never far away at this time of the year, causing my tongue to clack in my mouth, twisting uncomfortably as it is tickled by lashings of glutinous vomit that piston up and down my oesophagus during the season of giving. To anyone who has ever had a single sentient thought in their head, Christmas is nothing more than a deviant annoyance, geared towards the celebration of sadomasochistic imagery, via the medium of grotesque, obscene consumer gluttony. Every time I see a Christmas tree, I literally have to stop and force myself to fight the urge to light it on fire, and dance around it naked, while carving satanic logos into my naked flesh with some kind of rusty farming implement.

If we're to believe the official story, several thousand years ago, some cunt got born in a stable. Big deal. Happens all the time in south Gippsland. There was a star or something overhead, and that meant that he was the son of god. His tart of a mother got shagged by a ghost, and her moron husband bought it when she told him that she was still a virgin. Then he grew up, and became - basically - Charles Manson. He told everyone that he was the son of God, grew a beard, and probably spent a lot of time with the Beach Boys. Then, a bunch of dudes got sick of this nonsense, and they whacked him. Because of this, I have to spend heaps of money buying people shit they don't fucking want or need.

Christmas stinks like yesterday's sloppy diahhrea. People sing those lame songs all the time, and wander around the shops with these stupid, shit-eating grins on their empty, pale faces, shoving things into trolleys and racking up credit card debt. During Christmas, I listen to nothing but satanic doom metal. I spent last night listening to Mercyful Fate, and swearing my allegiance to the dark lord, because at the end of the day, his music rocks far harder. 'Welcome, Princess Of Hell' shreds like a motherfucker, while 'Silent Night' is for pussies. Only total losers would rather listen to 'Away In A Manger' than 'Sabbath Bloody Sabbath'.

You know what else sucks about Christmas? Christmas humour. I bet, as we speak, there are about a million people with 'humorous websites' who are writing bullshit about 'Santa breaking and entering', or some bullshit like that. Fuck off, you bastards. There's nothing funny about Christmas, except for the amusing sight of people choking on the sarin gas you've just released into a packed shopping mall. People are so fucking stupid. Last night, they had a Christmas special of some music game show on channel two, where a bunch of incredibly unfunny Australian comedians answered hilarious questions about Christmas music. It was about as funny as pissing in my own face. The worst part is that Rove was on it, and he is just as much of a cunt on the ABC as he is on commercial TV. His wife was on it as well, for some fucking reason - for god's sake, will someone just kill her? She looks like she's on her last legs as it is. Surely the Christian thing to do would be to put her out of her misery by bursting a paper bag behind her head, and giving her weak, emaciated heart a quick coronary.

It was really depressing, and really annoying. Australian comedians are for shit. That fat fuck Dave O'Neil showed up, and I started kicking myself for not telling him what a no-talent shitbag he was, back when I used to call him up on RRR in 1994. There was some other slag there called "Miff" or some shit, who is obviously down-diggity with tha yoof, but she was about as funny as cancer of the arsehole, and I vomited on the floor after each of her 'jokes'.

For some reason, Australian comedy involves saying something really moronic and trite, and then having a bunch of other people laugh at it as though someone just blasted them in the face with a hoover full of nitrous oxide. And, it all seems to revolve around what a prick Howard is, how superior and condescending being 'left' allows you to be, and how all Australians are basically fucking stupid. I saw 'The Glass House' a few weeks ago - god, it was a pile of shit. I just wanted to throw my television through the fucking window. That Wil Anderson guy may be the most talentless bastard I have ever seen. Fuck me, what a smarmy cunt he is. I'd like to rip his fucking spine out. And, just to make life even more disgusting, that hag Corinne Grant was there, alongside professional shitkicker Dave Hughes. Talk about your trifecta of evil. Who the fuck decided that these people were talented and funny? Who? Corinne Grant is like a giggling salamander with the brain stem removed, and Dave Hughes is like some kind of SuperBogan, made from the bits of dead bogans.

What was I saying? Oh, right.

Christmas movies are for fucking douchebags, too. What kind of complete arsehole can actually sit through "Miracle On 34th Street"? The only miracle I can imagine would be if 34th Street was nuked from orbit. Anyone remember that 'Santa Claus' movie with Dudley Moore? Jesus, what a pile of steaming shit that was. Then, there's all those artsy Hollywood Christmas movies, like 'Prancer'. If I watch a movie called 'Prancer', it had better open with one guy cleaning some other guy's swimming pool, and end with the two of them licking each other's faces clean. You know. If I was going to watch a movie called 'Prancer'. Which I wouldn't.

The only Christmas movie I can stand is 'Silent Night, Deadly Night' because it involves heaps of people being brutally killed. This kid watches a guy in a Santa Claus suit rape and kill his parents, and then he grows up in an orphanage, where the nuns give him a sound beating on a regular basis. He grows up and works in a toy store, and they make him be Santa Claus that year, and he totally wigs out, grabs an axe, and starts hacking people to pieces. It has heaps of naked chicks getting their tits out, and lots of people being killed. Good. That's what I want to see.

Oh, there's also 'Black Christmas'. That's about what happens when you make dirty phone calls to Margot Kidder, then start killing her friends with a plastic bag. Har! Oh, and it has Olivia Hussey - but she keeps the funbags in her shirt this time, so it doesn't really reach full and complete artistic maturation.

Christmas seriously blows. I hate the whole concept of Santa Claus. What a lame fucking idea. It's just such fucking pussy shit. If real men were designing the holiday, do you know who the kiddies would be drawing pictures of?

Ronnie James Dio. That would be awesome. Kids could leave out a bottle of Jack Daniels and a whore for him, and he could just walk into their room, scream in their faces, and leave in his limo. Dio rules.

Oh, or maybe this would work:

King Diamond is the fucking man. Christmas should be about him. Think about this, you arseholes, have you ever seen Jesus OR Santa with fucking FIRE shooting out of their hands? I bet to fuck you haven't. That's because they're both little girls. Fuck that shit. Gimme the King! King Diamond knows the power of awesome doom metal, and that's cool. There's not even a mention of doom metal in the bible - I did a search on the internet. No mentions of 'King Diamond' or 'Metal City' either. Luke 23:54, however:

"It was Preparation Day, and the Sabbath was about to begin."

Awesome! Dio was in Sabbath! And Sabbath rocks like a whore.

The other awesome thing about the King would be that he hates Christianity, because he serves only the one true ruler - the dark lord Satan. Cool! Satan rules, and so does King Diamond. It's like, kiddies could leave bloodstained rags out for King Diamond, and he could visit them on Christmas night and.. well.. kill them. It would be totally fucking sweet.

The other thing that sucks dick about Christmas is that you have to see your fucking family. I hate my family on the grounds that they are a bunch of polesmokers, and I care not one whit for spending a single second in their company, unless it involves me shovelling dirt onto their coffins while laughing. Fuck them, the bastards. And, to make shit worse, this year they're coming here. Fuck! I begged and pleaded with my father to tell his inbred family to go back to Shitsville, but he laughed at me and told me that since his loser son lives at home still, he has no right to be dictating the nature of the seasonal festivities, so I kicked him right in his fucking ballbag. But, he still wouldn't change his mind.

I hate my fucking family so much that I still haven't decided whether to use a hatchet or a speargun to kill them one by one upon arrival. Do you know what it's like being related to the world's most filthy human trash? Let me tell you something, it isn't fucking pretty. They are gibbering, drooling white trash, and they hate me because I've never raped a family member. They don't understand me because I read books and other elitist things, while they are still trying to master the art of taking a shit in the back garden without tracking mud inside their hut. God, they are depressing. Toothless, hee-hawing motherfuckers. They call me 'Uni Boy' because I went to Uni. See? Get it? That's pretty funny. Nearly as funny as the piss I took on the salad, you fucking bastards.

So, I hope you have a shitty Christmas, just like me. They say that this is the season of giving - I want to give everyone the experience of being a miserable bastard. I bet on Christmas morning, I'll wake up, and I'll unwrap my present, and it'll be an empty box. Then, my Dad will go 'Oh, I forgot to put your present in.' and he'll take it to the toilet. He's a bastard that way. Still, he'll enjoy the jar of vomit and mucus that I've made for him.

Christmas blows the donkey's festering mansword. I can't fucking wait for it to be over.

Posted by David at December 19, 2005 01:07 PM | TrackBack