Metal City - Hai Ina Ia Mai Ana Ka Puana

Diediediediediediediedie.

I'm sitting in front of the television right now, and my mind is awash in a sea of hatred. Look, we're all intellectuals, right? We're all forward-thinking, modern, cosmopolitan, cutting edge guys and gals, aren't we? Well, I think I can honestly say on behalf of all of us -

Rebecca Cartwright and Lleyton Hewitt should be fucking killed.

And I don't mean that in a funny, ha-ha, isn't-he-cute-when-he's-mad kind of way. I mean that they should literally be murdered in cold blood.

Extreme?

Shut up, hippie.

Every time I turn on the teev and I have to look at these smirking, smug, drooling fuckheads, I have to fight the urge to kick the fucking screen in and slash my wrists with a piece of the glass. They really are the absolute nadir of humanity. I never fail to laugh until I piss my pants whenever I hear Rebecca Cartwright described as an 'actress'. Here's the fucking truth - Rebecca Cartwright is to 'acting' as my dog's shit is to 'gourmet cuisine'. The stupid, empty-eyed slut cannot simply 'not act' - she is the absolute antithesis of the thespian arts. And there is a very good reason for this - look at her. Look at those cold, dead eyes. Do you seriously think that she's ever had a sentient thought in her entire life? I've never met the bitch, but I can categorically state that there are half-rotten pot plants out there who could defeat her in a match of wits. Look at her! Look harder! Have you ever seen anyone who so CLEARLY has nothing but curdled horse shit living in her cranium? She is fucking brain dead - my only regret is that she doesn't extend that status to the rest of her worthless body.

And Lleyton Hewitt. Taking pot shots at this fuckwit is almost too easy, but who cares. Needless to say, I hate him with a vengeance and I wish him the most painful death imaginable. There's something about him that makes me pray that cancer will devour his bones. Look at him. He is such a bogan that he makes Warwick Capper look like Andy Warhol. Look at his hair! What the fuck is that shit? If I wore my hair like that, everyone I know would say - "Shit, Dave! What the FUCK is up with that hair?" He has a greasy, disgusting mullet. Look at his face. Look at that fucking face. Don't you just want to punch it? Imagine, for just a second, how good it would feel to sink a scalpel into his eyes. Wouldn't that feel good? Think about how sexually aroused you'd be as you plunged it over and over into his chest cavity. Ooooh, that's nice. That's it, Lleyton - scream for me. Scream! Scream, you fucking bogan trash. Scream until you like it, bitch.

Yeah.

And now they've been married, and it's on every fucking news channel in the country. What the fuck is that? Did NOTHING else happen today? What about overseas - what, you don't think shit happens in fucking Bulgaria? You don't think that there was SOMETHING more interesting to report? Shit, a few weeks ago, they passed a law in Sweeden making it LEGAL to look up women's skirts, without their knowledge. LEGAL. They should have reported THAT. Instead - what do we get? Two fucktard bogans getting hitched because he knocked her up. Oh, wonderful. Hey, I have an innumerable number of white trash family members who did the same shit - I don't see THEM on T.V.

She's pregnant. Oh, god. Imagine how THAT happened. The guy always looks slightly unwashed and like he's covered in a thin film of sweat - I almost feel sorry for her. She had to endure the horror of that bony, sweaty, smelly bogan pumping his spindly pelvis at her until he groaned and released a stream of foul-smelling sperm. Imagine the dazed look on his repugnant bogan face during his post coital gloating. Don't you just want to bludgeon him with a golf club? The Orgasm Of Lleyton is something that could cause sexual dysfunction in anyone with a vivid enough imagination.

Imagine what the kid will be like. I bet it will be born, literally, without a brain. Or, perhaps it will be born with the top of its head missing - and the doctor will pluck the brain from the skull and throw it in the bin.

"Don't need that anymore!", he'll chuckle, as Lleyton yells 'Yeah!' a lot.

Imagine how stupid that kid will be. Hot damn. His DNA will stink of moron.

Weirdly, though, these fuckwits have - apparently - had a 'Fairytale Wedding'. Most fairy-tales end with someone being brutally murdered, so hopefully they'll take that metaphor to its logical end.

On the news.com.au site, they have words from a pair of 'fans':

"It's true love," Lisa Edwards, a 32-year-old Sydney sales representative, said.

"It's a bit of a fairytale love story," Mark Schilton, 32, on holiday with his partner from Hewitt's home state of South Australia, said.

What... the... fuck. There are 'fans' of these two morons? Yeah. And I'm a fan of dogshit. What kind of complete and total imbecile publicly declares themself a 'fan of Bec and Lleyton'. Frankly, I'd feel more comfortable declaring myself a 'fan' of Osama Bin Laden. At least his daughter is hot. If you are a 'fan' of these two retards, I hope you die and rot in hell.

So, what are we to learn from all this? Australia still idolizes the absolute dregs of humanity. This can only be rectified through extreme violence. I want them dead. I hope someone blows Lleyton's head off with a shotgun, and dumps his body in an unmarked, watery grave. I hope Bec is kicked in the stomach by a kangaroo with roid rage. Then, I hope she is bound with electrical tape, locked in the boot of a car, and I want said car to be set on fire and pushed off a cliff. I hope Lleyton's penis is bitten off by a drunk alligator, and he slowly bleeds to death, I Spit On Your Grave style. I hope someone nailguns Bec's hands and feet to the ground, and then proceeds to run backwards and forwards over her head in a monster truck.

I... fucking... hate... them.

Posted by David at July 21, 2005 07:38 PM | TrackBack