Metal City - Hai Ina Ia Mai Ana Ka Puana

Random talk.

I'm gonna write a bunch of random things about music. Not because I have to, or because I think it will be especially entertaining - it probably won't be. See, tonight was Jon's birthday - the old bastard turned thirty(censored), and I went over to see him to celebrate. I tell you, it is a scary thing to be surrounded by a bunch of postgraduate zoology students - they are a unique breed. Drunk, giggly, and frightening with their talks about muscle systems and chemicals, and 'test results', and other contrabond information. I sat in the back and tried to hide the fact that I put rainbow coloured laces in my Doc Martens. One of them asked me what my book was about, and - as usual - I deflected the question by saying "I dunno." and then "The media." Both are total bullshit, of course - my book is a self-indulgent masturbatory ode to my own out-of-control ego. But I certaninly wasn't going to tell them that.

The point of all this is that I spent most of the night talking to a friend of Jon's - Wiggs. Nice guy. We got to talking about music, and that was when I knew that I wasn't going to be getting home by ten, as originally planned. I'm going to share exactly what was discussed.

Firstly, The White Album by The Beatles is the greatest achievement in the history of popular music. Period. Oh, you may say 'Pet Sounds' or 'Slippery When Wet' or 'In Tha Zone' - but you would be wrong. Any album that has 'Sexy Sadie', 'Julia', 'Revolution 9', 'Helter Skelter', and 'Happiness Is A Warm Gun' on it gets the 10. And how lovely that they bid us all "Good Night" at the close.

U2 are a bunch of talentless motherfuckers, and Bono is better off dead. The only thing they ever did that was any good was Rattle And Hum, and even that is kind of annoying. Fuck U2 and fuck their stinking fans. I will never forgive them for what they did to Negativland, those pompous bastards.

Modern music is an abyss - and there is a distinct possibility that we may never see a major-label band produce anything even remotely worthwhile in our lifetimes, let alone topping something like the White Album.

Jimmy Page is really a nice guy. Robert Plant is a buffoon.

Mick Jagger is a buffoon. Keith Richards is really a nice guy.

Led Zeppelin's last album is a load of horse shit.

The Raspberries and Big Star are sorely underrated.

Elvis's 70's stuff is better than his 60's stuff, while not being better than his 50's stuff - yet everyone should see 'That's The Way It Is'. Guys should definately see it just to see if they can sexually respond to another man. 'That's The Way It Is' now forms one of a two pronged attack on assumed heterosexuality - the other being the movie of 'Ziggy Stardust And The Spiders From Mars'.

The Eagles 'Live '80' album must have required one of the largest supplies of cocaine during its recording that the world has ever known. And Joe Walsh never DID become president. Although, Walsh and the current puppet do share the same taste in pharmaecuticals.

I'm sick of people picking on E.L.O. Yeah, I know. The afro. The aviator goggles. 'The Diary Of Horace Wimp". That whole "Xanadu" deal - which I have spent the last five years defending. E.L.O released some of the best music ever made - and any knave who dares to speak ill of 'A New World Record' should be burned alive. I have a DVD of the 'Out Of The Blue' tour sitting here. I'm not sure whether I should watch it - can I take an hour and a half of Jeff Lynne's massive lapels, mighty 'fro, and soaring falsetto? Only time will tell.

Jon Bon Jovi's favourite song is Don Henley's 'Boys Of Summer'. Okay. But I still won't rest until I watch my urine seeping into the turned dirt of his grave. Some evils can never be undone. In his case, his entire career.

David Lee Roth is an idiot of Herculean proportions - but since he doesn't take him seriously, we'll forgive him. As long as he doesn't try that 'surfboard from the roof' bullshit again.

If you don't get a chill when you hear Harry Nilsson's 'Everybody's Talkin'' - you're not human. You have a black, oily, pulsating blob where your heart used to be.

Bette Midler's 'The Divine Miss M' is a great record, and fuck you for laughing at me. So is "The Rose".

The look on Robbie Robertson's face at The Band's last show when they wheel Muddy Waters out is priceless. Never have I seen such a mixture of pride and fear - and when Muddy tears into 'Mannish Boy' - that face turns to ecstasy.

Bruce Springsteen is God. Enough said.

Makes you think. Doesn't it.

Posted by David at February 9, 2004 11:35 PM | TrackBack